BC .... yeah.... when I really thought I had a life.... I also thought I knew exactly who I was. Even after I got pregnant I was pretty sure I was smart, witty and fun to hang out with. I had a job, not a career by any means, but really hadn't visualized not contributing monetarily to the household. Actually, even before I got pregnant, I had great ideas of what kind of mom I was going to be. I was going to be the fun one, the one who baked, made fun crafts, had an orderly house, played games, had fun activities all planned out, absolutely loved hanging out with kids, that kind of stuff. Yep, Martha-Stewart-Good-Housekeeping-Preschool-Saint-Fun Mom. We were going to have the coolest house, the funnest fun!
Then came reality, mostly a slam in the face reality. First of all, I noticed, Kenny was pretty much superior to any kid I met. Okay, maybe I haven't spent a lot of time with other kids (luckily there are a few that keep me grounded) but I didn't want to spend anytime with other kids outside of Kenny. So Mom that relates, adores all children... didn't happen. Funny thing, I didn't become organized over night. Odd I know. Who knew? I still like to um... sort things... but organize them? Not my gift. At least not at home, I can sort and organize things at work... I don't have never ending piles of laundry, crackers, odd tidbits of recipes I am going to make, things I am going to do, scraps of this, hopes of getting something done with that.... Yeah, THAT doesn't seem to follow me to work. After Kenny first came along, it was easy to organize the toys. There were not many because for the like the first six months... it didn't take a toy store to distract him. Of course there was that newborn honeymoon period where he slept a lot... and I twiddled my thumbs. Budgeting, planning activities, and cooking all just seem so foreign to me now. Is it just me, or does it seem like ten seconds before lunch needs to be on the table that I am figuring out what to have? Let alone COOK something. Every now and then I remember and start making something 20 minutes ahead. But then you have two little "helpers" who make bigger messes, do the unexpected and lets face it... need more time and cleanup than lunch.
It just boggles my mind... I was pretty on top of it with Kenny until we moved out of our Shoreline condo into the "family compound." Here lies the dusty souls of three generations. Some things we would be heartbroken to give up, things others have not collected and then we tried to jam our stuff in too. The furniture fit, but the kitchen appliances really don't. And I LOVE my kitchen appliances. This is where the overwhelming clutter in my life seem to come in. I dealt with a lot at the condo, Ken traveling, post baby depression, letting my job go, and trying to figure out what kind of identity I had as a stay at home mom. Here in our family home? I am swallowed by clutter, Ken traveling a lot more, when he was home he lived in Everett with friends, I became a single parent really to two little boys with the perks of an income and the occasional visit from the husband on weekends. My parents actually live in a 5th Wheel on our property and my Father In Law is less than 10 minutes away. Really I am blessed and not truly alone. But there are those days, the dark clouds settle, the boys .... well, they were only good when they are sleeping. Those are the days I feel frazzled, worn out, depressed and overwhelmed.
What did happen to that Mom I wanted to be? That woman that I was before I decided to stay home? We have good days, don't get me wrong. There are days filled with giggles, playing outdoors, crafts if I can set it up quick and the boys don't put EVERYTHING in their mouths. The one thing that Kenny has gotten to enjoy his mother's love of baking. When we do bake, cookies, muffins or whatever, Kenny is my helper. He gets to help me mix things together, pour in the ingredients and most importantly EAT whatever we make. Might not be as soon as he likes, but the eating part? That's the best.
I would just like to enjoy a day or two... no threats, no crying, and no unbuckling ourselves out of the car seat. I don't ask for long trips to Seattle, just hanging out at home. A day without feeling so crazy that I want to lock myself in my room and hear Cole cry (separation is a bad thing at 14 months). Crap, a highlight would be a day without Cole crying. Literally, I didn't know what I was going to do when he was born... he cried for like 20 minutes. Kenny cried only when we took his temp at the nursery or when he was hungry when he came home. For the tough little kid Cole seems to be... he cries a lot!
I am still looking for me. What will define me as Kenny and Cole's mom. I know that my role will evolve as time marches on. Some days I remember I am fun, witty, charming and silly. I just have to keep reminding myself, that really hasn't changed. Who would appreciate that more than two small boys who can't seem to get enough of me? Some where out there is a definition of what it means to stay at home with the boys and how to enjoy it. I just have to figure out how to create it.
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