Happy Mother's Day

Listening to the soft snoring of my beloved boys, I still can not believe that I am a Mom.  It began a little over three years ago with a scary beginning to a wide eyed adventure.

Meeting Kenny for the first time.

Motherhood for me didn't start the way that most women picture.  It was actually a scary experience.  Seven weeks early I went into preterm labor.  I had been admitted to the hospital and given drugs to stop the contractions and delay Kenny's birth.  My husband, best friend and mother were there by my side.  It didn't sink in how scary the whole experience really was until the day before I was supposed to go home my water broke.  At this point, I had been poked, drugged, stuck with more needles (long ones too) than I cared to count, and been to this point bedridden.  It was the first day I was allow to get up by myself and use the restroom without help.  Our condo was ready for me to come home and be on bed rest until Kenny came.  I never made it home to be on bed rest.

On December 9, 2008 my water broke.  At this point I had learned a lot about preterm labor and labor itself.  I knew that there was no going back.  Little did I realize that I also wasn't going to be taking my baby home and enjoying him the way that most couples do.  By 6pm Kenny met his parents for the first time.  Well, Dad anyways.  He was taken to a team of special doctors and nurses, checked his agar score and whisked away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  Ken was able to stay with Kenny as he made his journey, it would be a few hours later before I could hold my baby boy.  It was love at first site.  Today I look at him and I still can not believe how much I am love with my children.  Kenny was an excellent NICU graduate.  He only stayed there for four days.  He was strong, doing great, never had problems with his vitals.  He stayed down in the Special Care Nursery for about three weeks before he came home. Every day we drove, mostly in the snow and unplowed hills of Seattle's First Hill to be with Kenny, feed him, hold him, change his diapers and introduce him to his new family, friends and those people still continue to be a huge support for us.

Kenny and Daddy

First day home... the preemie salute

On January 3, 2009 I was given a belated birthday gift.  Kenny got to come home with us.  Ken and I were armed with charts, new information, diapers, formula and a great little baby.  Our lives had changed forever.  

My baby didn't stay a preemie.  He took off with great speed and grew into the wonderful three year old that he is.  I still can not believe how lucky we are.  His little brother Cole came along July 12, 2010.  I still can not believe he is almost two.  Time has just flown by!

Cole Allen Turner

I think being a mother has changed me for the better.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I mattered as much to one person as I do to just one son.  To them I am their rock, their go to person, playmate, friend, and most of all, their Mommy.  I am so blessed to have them.  They overwhelm me sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Someone stole my Martha Stewart wig!

I dare you to tell me that I am not Martha.  No really, some where if I dig deep enough, I am.  Okay.  So I hate to clean, my house is a little cluttered, and I don't love landscaping.  But really, I am perfect in all other ways!  Okay... maybe the diaper pail still has a smell I can't wash out, my husband still refuses to learn to take his plate to the sink, and well my darling boys are not prince charmings yet. I currently still have my subscription to Living so that makes me Martha right?


I think we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves.  I know that I feel like my house should look like it lives in a comfy English town, my windows should sparkle, my kitchen floor gleam and my green thumb imprinted on every shrub, flower or tree.  Let me run a magazine, have a TV show and raise my two flirty boys. I don't think we should lessen our expectations of ourselves, but I think we should allow ourselves a little slack now and then.  It is easy for me to get caught up with expectations that I can not fill, and maybe couldn't fill if I didn't have two kids.  After I had Kenny I was still able to pull off great tea parties to the T, since Cole came along?  I can still pull off a great tea party, but now it is focused on the group of friends who have graced me with their time without children.  It's a different focus, but my focus can not be all on food, decor and favors.... while chasing my three and one year old around the house... or in most cases out of the kitchen with their toys.


Maybe I am learning what is more important.  It is time spent and cherished with people.  We know that wealth, material things and what you surround yourself with doesn't really matter at the end.  Instead we should remember to focus on the experience of life, give as much as you can and surround yourself with great memories.  When we are dust to dust we can't take our stuff with us, so what can we leave behind?  I hope that what I leave behind is some really great memories.  When I am dead I want people to smile when they think of me, not be sad because I ended up lonely.


So what does all this have to do with parenting?  (Really it does)  we don't need to get caught up in all the "material things" we can give our children.  Most of my memories of my childhood and my Mother are things that we have done together.  Sure I can recite some of the gifts she has given me over time, but it is the time spent in the kitchen, crafting with her, camping, spending time outside and playing.  My mother gave me a lot of great gifts, imagination, creativity, independence, and love.  Today I am proud to call her one of my closest friends, but that didn't come by easy, she was always my mother first.  My kids deserve everything that I can give them.  I need to give them me.  That is what they deserve.  They need to know that they are loved and I adore them.  Some days though it is easy to get caught up with all the stuff I "should be doing" to help develop them.  You know what?  We did fine before technology hit us.  My kids will get there, they don't have to be reading at a fifth grade level by kindergarten.  Right now... I would love them to be potty trained by kindergarten! :)  Life is short.  Remember to enjoy it and enjoy our children.  Too quickly does this all pass. 


 Remember when your heart melted that first time those tiny fingers wrapped around your finger?

How do we do it?

Today, I was busy trying to capture that cute moment.  I was busy.  Not watching.  Cole was wondering back from walking out in the middle of the driveway at the pumpkin farm while a car had it's back up lights on.  Thank God she either saw him, or wasn't ready to pull out yet.  He was just walking back like nothing was up.

I just don't know.  Its the scary moments, the fun moments, the sad moments, and the crazy moments.  They really are all happy moments in the end.  But how do we do it?  How do we manage to survive our own childhoods, let alone how do we survive the childhoods of our children?

Just this last week I had a chat with my friend who has been here, done that with her kids.  Her daughter is now a high school senior.  How do we know that what we are doing now doesn't screw them up for life?  It is hard some days to go on your gut instinct that we are making the right decisions.  I would like to think that I am saving up for the boys' college or higher education, maybe I am just saving up for their therapy bills.

On the bright side?  At least I know Kim will be there for me when I need to start coloring my gray hair.

Teeth

Oh, the joys of teething.  Cranky teethers, easy teethers... mmmm somehow I ended up with both.  Unfortunately the cranky teether is the last one.  Kenny was great!  Slight fever, a couple of days of Tylenol, and bam!  Teeth!  Cole? Not so lucky.  He gets teeth in groups.  Painful groups that take a long time to get here.  Poor little guy.  He just looks pale, hurts a lot and I can't be out of his sight for .... mmmmm .... two seconds? Or major meltdown.  Unfortunately... this goes one for weeks.  Not just a few days. We are on week three of breaking through and coming in.

Who knew that kids' aliments would include getting teeth?  If this was something we could treat with anything but Tylenol and patience, I would be right there.  Unfortunately... the Mom machine is running low on patience when it comes to biting, hitting, and being argumentative with a one year old.  Some nights it would be nice to refuel.  By the time bedtime rolls around it seems like I am exhausted from fighting all day and I pull in right beside them.

It has been a long battle.... but molars... here we come.

Desperately Seeking Nicole

BC .... yeah.... when I really thought I had a life.... I also thought I knew exactly who I was.  Even after I got pregnant I was pretty sure I was smart, witty and fun to hang out with. I had a job, not a career by any means, but really hadn't visualized not contributing monetarily to the household.  Actually, even before I got pregnant, I had great ideas of what kind of mom I was going to be.  I was going to be the fun one, the one who baked, made fun crafts, had an orderly house, played games, had fun activities all planned out, absolutely loved hanging out with kids, that kind of stuff.  Yep, Martha-Stewart-Good-Housekeeping-Preschool-Saint-Fun Mom.  We were going to have the coolest house, the funnest fun!

Then came reality, mostly a slam in the face reality.  First of all, I noticed, Kenny was pretty much superior to any kid I met.  Okay, maybe I haven't spent a lot of time with other kids (luckily there are a few that keep me grounded) but I didn't want to spend anytime with other kids outside of Kenny.  So Mom that relates, adores all children... didn't happen.  Funny thing, I didn't become organized over night.  Odd I know. Who knew?  I still like to um... sort things... but organize them? Not my gift.  At least not at home, I can sort and organize things at work... I don't have never ending piles of laundry, crackers, odd tidbits of recipes I am going to make, things I am going to do, scraps of this, hopes of getting something done with that.... Yeah, THAT doesn't seem to follow me to work.  After Kenny first came along, it was easy to organize the toys.  There were not many because for the like the first six months... it didn't take a toy store to distract him.  Of course there was that newborn honeymoon period where he slept a lot... and I twiddled my thumbs.  Budgeting, planning activities, and cooking all just seem so foreign to me now.  Is it just me, or does it seem like ten seconds before lunch needs to be on the table that I am figuring out what to have? Let alone COOK something.  Every now and then I remember and start making something 20 minutes ahead.  But then you have two little "helpers" who make bigger messes, do the unexpected and lets face it... need more time and cleanup than lunch.

It just boggles my mind... I was pretty on top of it with Kenny until we moved out of our Shoreline condo into the "family compound." Here lies the dusty souls of three generations.  Some things we would be heartbroken to give up, things others have not collected and then we tried to jam our stuff in too.  The furniture fit, but the kitchen appliances really don't.  And I LOVE my kitchen appliances.  This is where the overwhelming clutter in my life seem to come in.  I dealt with a lot at the condo, Ken traveling, post baby depression, letting my job go, and trying to figure out what kind of identity I had as a stay at home mom.  Here in our family home?  I am swallowed by clutter, Ken traveling a lot more, when he was home he lived in Everett with friends, I became a single parent really to two little boys with the perks of an income and the occasional visit from the husband on weekends. My parents actually live in a 5th Wheel on our property and my Father In Law is less than 10 minutes away.  Really I am blessed and not truly alone.  But there are those days, the dark clouds settle, the boys .... well, they were only good when they are sleeping. Those are the days I feel frazzled, worn out, depressed and overwhelmed.

What did happen to that Mom I wanted to be?  That woman that I was before I decided to stay home?  We have good days, don't get me wrong.  There are days filled with giggles, playing outdoors, crafts if I can set it up quick and the boys don't put EVERYTHING in their mouths.  The one thing that Kenny has gotten to enjoy his mother's love of baking.  When we do bake, cookies, muffins or whatever, Kenny is my helper.  He gets to help me mix things together, pour in the ingredients and most importantly EAT whatever we make. Might not be as soon as he likes, but the eating part?  That's the best.



I would just like to enjoy a day or two... no threats, no crying, and no unbuckling ourselves out of the car seat.  I don't ask for long trips to Seattle, just hanging out at home.  A day without feeling so crazy that I want to lock myself in my room and hear Cole cry (separation is a bad thing at 14 months). Crap, a highlight would be a day without Cole crying.  Literally, I didn't know what I was going to do when he was born... he cried for like 20 minutes.  Kenny cried only when we took his temp at the nursery or when he was hungry when he came home.  For the tough little kid Cole seems to be... he cries a lot!

I am still looking for me.  What will define me as Kenny and Cole's mom.  I know that my role will evolve as time marches on.  Some days I remember I am fun, witty, charming and silly.  I just have to keep reminding myself, that really hasn't changed.  Who would appreciate that more than two small boys who can't seem to get enough of me?  Some where out there is a definition of what it means to stay at home with the boys and how to enjoy it.  I just have to figure out how to create it.

Sleep tatics

Ah, it's another night where Ken is traveling so he is not home.  I have been working on getting the boys who have coslept for over a year to at the very least sleep together.  When Dad comes home?  Well, we will figure that out too.  I have forgotten what it is like to sleep next to the one who has gotten me in this predicament.  It seems like years and years ago...  Sometime BC (that's Before Children to the new folks)

So far they have done a good job sleeping without Mom.  Some mornings I make it till 5am before they notice I am not there.  Some people swear by co sleeping, that's great.  We did it out necessity when Cole was born.  During my entire pregnancy with Cole I endured back pain from a herniated disk in my back.  Six weeks after Cole was born I went in to have back surgery and came home the next day... unable to lift anybody or anything.  This wasn't entirely new to Kenny, since I struggled with it during my pregnancy he got used to not being lifted up every moment.  Cole however, was not thrilled about the new arrangement.  It's not my fault (other than I fed him... which the doctors TOLD me to do....) he was over 10lbs.  So it was easier to have someone put him in bed for me, I could feed him, diaper him and generally take care of him all on the same level. And .... he hasn't left since then.  Once upon a time, Kenny slept in his own bed too.  But since Cole was getting special treatment, it didn't feel right to leave him out.  Hence, we now have two boys who will wait until they discover girls to get out of our beds, unless I can help it.

I am not saying however that co sleeping has been bad.  Most nights I enjoy having the extra body heat snuggled in tight.  It's just when it's snuggled in so tight .... that it begins to push me off the very ledge that I am allowed in bed.  That's why we need to find new arrangements.  Have you slept with a toddler and preschooler?  Mine are not tiny or petite by any imagination.  They are not giants either, normal sized children, both close to three feet.  Find that extra room in a queen size bed that used to be perfect!  It was a bit easier when Kenny slept next to Ken, but these days? Mom seems to be the favorite... for both of them.

Ken has been gone for about 10 days, only twice did I end up going to bed with them.  So we will see.  Tonight I get to sleep on the couch since my brother has decided to drop in and visit between jobs.

Here goes.... Sanity?